50 Thousand Leagues Under the Sea

Do you know, its 10 past midnight? This last week I have probably been more tired than I ever have in my life. And yet, here I sit.

Life seems very hard at the moment, and it really shouldn't. Normally a fearless kind of person, who doesn't particularly worry about much I can't change I am finding that my fears are sitting hard and cold in the bottom of my stomach.

Mainly for Molly of course. I am so scared sometimes, and I am sure any mother will identify with that, and even more so mothers who have sick children.

Having "gained" Molly again after her transplant, I dread a return to those days. I don't know how it didn't swallow me up. Molly is really well, but, for all our "wow" shes FAB! to everyone, her bloods still aren't normal. In fact at the moment they are pretty high, but coming down. They are putting this down to lots of chest infections, including Pneumonia last October and about 5 chest infections both before and after. She is on antibiotics again. She really is full of beans, but if her bloods don't settle down in the spring the hospital are going to start investigating. It makes my blood run cold. The fear of the investigations (she has been through so much) and the fear of further surgery for her. And then, the what if its serious? The fear of needing a new liver. The guilt of still being overweight therefore no good to her. And then there is the fucking bird flu. And yes, hey, lets not overeact. But you know what? They say its coming. And it could be just a 10% chance that it crosses the species barrier and an even smaller chance that it becomes a pandemic - but if it does, how on earth will she survive it? That little worry is a deep, sick knot in the pit of my stomach because there is NOTHING I can do.

So, the days seem pretty dark at the moment. I try and enjoy my time and we are very very busy with this that and the other. I am desperate for a "normal" life - more sleep, less pain and worry. I will get over this.

We are definitely moving to Devon. My only two regrets are moving farther away from my mother and my friends. But I long for it and then I worry that its just another distraction and thats why I long for it. Then I stop worrying about that because, as far as I can see, thats what life is all about. Distractions. They say "You have to have something to aim for" and "they" are right, because otherwise life is just the same, day in, day out.