It should be easy, at least psychologically. But its not. I've read the entry form and part of it is keeping a blog. So I started thinking about why I'm doing this. This is the hard part.
I've struggled with my weight since I was 14. You can attribute it to what you want. Life is tough, mine has been tough and privileged in equal measure. Underlying all the reasons/excuses are the deep beliefs that I am lazy and weak willed.
The worst part and the part that still makes me want to cry? Knowing that I am a liver match for Molly. Then knowing that I was too overweight and my liver would be too fatty. And worse even than that? Being told that I could try to lose weight but a) I probably wouldn't be able to and b) that even if I did it would probably take too long for my liver to be in good shape. Is there anything worse than that? Oh yes there is. I couldn't do it. I KNOW the hospital said it would be too hard as its hard to lose weight when you are stressed. Thats just placatory crap. They didn't think I could do it. I couldn't. They won and Molly nearly lost. I will never, ever, forgive myself for that.
Which comes back to this: Has anyone EVER had any faith in my ability, including myself? Do I never stick to anything? Am I really just lazy and weak willed and too easy going? Does everyone think that I am so happy go lucky that I don't really care? That I am confident and happy with myself?
I hate being 'big'. Is that word even worse than 'fat'? It tends to mean that you are 'forever big'. 'Made that way'. Not a strong enough person to lose weight and feel sexy and attractive. Not be 'strong', 'capable'. Fat people are seen as lazy, weak willed, generally weak, unable to muck in, unable to keep up, sweaty, hangers on... I could go on. I have felt it all.
I make up for my size with my humour and good nature. I do like that about myself. That won't change. But I hate my sense of inferiority. I have little self worth unless its to do with looking after others.
I will do this.
I am SO scared it won't work. That however hard I try I will forever be 'big'.
I have NEVER been a size 8-10. I am aiming for a size 12. (Actually, as I read that I'm thinking, "well that won't happen, more like a 14, be realistic") Why can't I aim for a 12 or an 8-10? Because it feels like a stupid thing to do as I am 'big'. But my 'bones' aren't big! No ones are! If I am super fit and eat well there is no reason I can't be that small. But do I need to be? Thats conditioning right there.
I do want to lose ALL the flabby bits. They can fuck right off.
I have been exercising hard for the past 6 months. And I am so much fitter. But I still feel fat, unhealthy, unfit. Pathetic, a whiner, someone who doesn't give it their all.
And another really crap thing? That people are saying they are surprised, that they didn't think I would stick to it. I am angry about that.
Because I DO stick to things. But I hate diets. I LIKE healthy eating. But you try and listen to your body when you are feeding the rest of the fussy lot.
The last time I was this fit was when I was 23. I did Karate. ALOT. I stuck to that. Just because I don't do it now doesn't mean I didn't give it my all at the time. I STUCK TO IT. (I am shouting at myself. I feel like I gave up.)
Does it have to be lifelong? Can we not change our minds? I like variety.
This exercise plan works. My trainer is the best ever, without him I would not even have the tiniest belief that I can do this. He believes in me. He sees my stubborn streak and my determination. He may be only the second person ever to see that. I can't tell you how much that makes me want to cry - that someone actually believes I am something other than a lazy fat git.
Its fun. It changes. I exercise 1-2 hours every day, with one day off most weeks. Sometimes I don't have a day off. I don't want one. I escape into it.
And yes, Day 1 is making me cry.
Woop de doo.
Examining my reasons why is hard. It brings back too much emotion - the hardest thing, the very hardest, is remembering how I felt when I couldn't help my little girl.
I don't want to EVER be in that position again.
I will do this.
Then, if she ever needs me, I can help. I can't ever be in that position again. To know that you could have done something but because you are fat you can't. Because you ate too much you cant save you little girl. I can't say anymore. I just can't. I never ever ever want to be that person again. Ever.
FOOTNOTE:
I think I needed to let all that out. I've cried and re-read this time and again. Its out. Its not my dirty little secret anymore.
I can do this.
Starting weight/measurements:
Waist 40"
Chest 42"
Hips 44"
Right thigh: 26"
Left thigh: 26"
Right upper arm 12.5"
Left upper arm 13"
Starting weight: 207lb (14.8lb)
