13th august

So I went up to an 8kg today :) and it was easier than I expected!!!

Penticosts went home this morning, it was hard not eating what I shouldn't.

Day off diet yesterday, ate too much, regretted it in class today (regretted it anyway).

Weight not moving, bit worried about that.

No Mike until Monday -worried about that too...so box and bike with Chris. Hmm. Might not be up for that, but don't think I have a choice.

Sat Jason bike and kettle, should be ok. Ok being the operative word.

Sun kettle with Chris. F*cked off about that!!

Then Monday doing a triple class! That might make up for it....!

But then he's off all week then I'm off.... holy moley....


15th August 2014

gah. gah. gah.  Struggling SO much to keep on the straight and narrow food wise.  The weeks ahead of me seem to be so hard - not for the diet, but the change of routine!  I had everything worked out, was working out every day. But now Mike is off for a week then I am off for a week.  The other trainers are OK but I am down and not motivated at all.  I have a weekend away next weekend and the food available will be fish and chips and hog roast!!!!!!!  Going to try and have a treat day maybe on the Sunday and take as much as I can on the Saturday.  I wonder if I will be able to buy food there?  I have emailed Dave from the CLDF to see if I can buy stuff there.

Then its a week in the caravan - I hope I don't go stir crazy :/  Only 3 classes that week in nearby St Ives but omg.

Mike has promised that the last 2 weeks we will go all guns blazing, but I've not lost a thing this week.  I was perfectly on track today, then ate 2 bags of chocolate buttons that I found in the fridge. WHY?!  Feels like I am slipping back into old ways and I am scared scared scared.

I want to carry this on - next year I want to be STRONG.  I want to surf, be able to do a handstand. Lose the baggy skin that I seem to have been left with (I hate it but am realistic that it will take time to snap back, I am 45 after all, even if I do only feel 23).

And I feel BORED.  Cos the workouts aren't there.  My oompf is here but I feel like pacing pacing pacing cos I am BORED.  Molly and shaun are away. Daisy is camping with her mates. So I have my music on typing this.  BORED BORED BORED.

Want to go out dancing!!! And possibly get totally drunk.

Boxercise was OK tonight, but I ended up irritated at the end. NOT the normal feeling at all. I have got to get past this.  But the other trainers are.... well I don't want to be rude even if I FEEL like being rude. But ARGH.  Spoilt, thats what we are. Mike has spoiled us by being brilliant.

Now I feel like bloody crying cos I can see it all going to shit.

I WILL NOT FAIL. I CAN NOT FAIL. I have already done so much. ITS NOT ENOUGH.  This challenge is only the beginning. I need to see my goal and aim for it. I need to feel that I can. I can almost taste it but these weeks......

So now I have done what Mike said, and vented to him. But then its his weekend away and now I feel stupid.

Excellent. Just added to my mood.

I am NOT doing kettle on Sunday with Chris. I will do double kettle on Monday instead.  WITH THE 8KG.

What do they say? 'Hear me ROAR'.

I DID A GREAT 30 MINS INSANITY TODAY.  Felt strong and good. I need to remember that. And Boxercise may have been frustrating, but I nailed it. No problems there apart from a little easing off because of my hip. But I worked HARD.

So the only problem is the food.  So, pull it together Morris.  Sort you fucking head out and DO IT. You have over a week . You did two weeks at the beginning with no wavering. Do it again. And again. And again. Until you ARE where you want to be. I WILL BE INVINCIBLE.